How to Stop Living in The Contradiction

Do as I say, not as I do.

In parenting, it looks like swearing like a pirate while telling your kids not to. Or demanding they get off their screens while you keep scrolling Facebook. Or better—telling your kids not to hit while you spank them.

In politics, it looks like being told you live in a free country while being handed a list of rules you didn’t ask for. It looks like “free speech” that isn’t really free, because there are still things you’re not allowed to say.

Where in your life do you live in the contradiction?
Where do you say one thing and do the opposite?
Where do your beliefs conflict with the way you actually live?

If there’s a contradiction, then something isn’t true.

Let’s be real—there’s plenty of grey area in life. Something isn’t always hot or cold—it’s warm. That’s fine.
Grey areas are part of the deal.
We just have to make sure we actually see the grey for what it is.
Not pretend it’s clear when it isn’t. Not call it truth when it’s actually contradiction.

I remember when my daughter was little, I believed in the idea of a bedtime.
But can you actually make somebody sleep? Have you tried?
How’d that go for you?

Because I couldn’t make her sleep, the idea of a bedtime was pointless—it wasn’t accomplishing the intended goal. So I shifted to “quiet time.”
Go in your room and hang out.
I can’t make you go to sleep, but I can make you go away.

By the time she was around 6 or 7, I gave up altogether.
I never enforced a bedtime with my son. I began to trust their natural instincts for knowing when to go to sleep. The natural consequence of not getting enough is that you’re tired the next day.

I can explain that: the consequence of being tired, and how to fix it.
But I can’t explain why I force you to go to bed while I stay up late.
I can’t explain why I’m allowed to swear or hit and you’re not.

I can explain why you’re not allowed to drive, vote, or drink—those rules are outside of my control.
But everything within my control will not live in contradiction.

Over the last few years, I’ve been wrestling with those contradictions in my work.
Marketing is a contradiction. If I tell you that you need something because you’re broken or there’s something wrong with you, it doesn’t honor your sovereignty. It contradicts the belief that none of us is broken.
If I tell you I’m right and you’re wrong, then I’m engaging in the fight and judging your ideas. That’s a contradiction with non-judgment.
If I tell you how to live, that’s in contradiction with radical freedom, which allows you the freedom to do whatever you want, even if I wouldn’t do it myself.

To stay out of the contradiction, I can’t prescribe anything—and I can’t judge anything.
I have to allow all of it to simply be okay.

That shifts the tone of my work.
It means I don’t sell anything.
It means I’m simply sharing my lived experience or my philosophy with you.
If you agree, fine.
If you don’t, fine.

I’m not making my way of being better than yours.
I’m just sharing what my way of being is.

From this space, I’m not here to be a guru or a guide.
I’m only sharing the truth I’ve found for myself—with you.

It’s not a contradiction to put the paid work out there.
It’s only a contradiction if I tell you that you need it because there is something wrong with you.

It’s not a contradiction to share what I think, feel, or believe.
It’s only a contradiction if I tell you that you have to believe it too.

It’s been an internal war to get to this place—
to fully drop “the system” that says I’m supposed to do certain things,
just so I can live in integrity with what I know to be true.

Why was it so hard?

Because not living within the system requires sacrifice—
especially in your work.

There are no quick wins.
No viral content.
No marketing machine.
No ads.
No pressure.
No slimy sales tactics.
None of the things the world tells you you need to be successful.

There is only me—
putting my work out into the world,
not telling anybody what I did,
and then hoping it finds its way
to the people who want to read it.

It meant letting go of the part of my dream that still included the system—
and the rewards it promises:
best-selling books,
big houses,
fancy cars.

It doesn’t mean I have to live in lack.
That’s a manufactured lie, too.

But it does mean that the dream I had was never really mine.
It was a story the system sold me—
not what I actually wanted in my life.

Do I want a big house?
No—because I don’t want to clean it.

Do I want a fancy car?
I just want a purple Jeep Wrangler. Is that fancy?

Do I want a best-selling book?
Sure, I’d love a few million people to read my work.
But I’m not willing to live in the contradiction to get it.

It turns out integrity mattered more to me than cars, houses, and best-seller lists.
And I’m okay with that—
because it means every word I write on these pages is true.
Lived. Earned. Honored.

If it’s not that, I won’t write it.
And if I screw up, I’ll own it.

Not living in the contradiction is a choice.
A powerful, difficult, and deeply meaningful choice.

So now I ask you:

How can you stop living in the contradiction?

Love to all.

Della